21 November 2011

Boxers or Briefs?

God: Jeremiah, you need some new underwear.

Jerry: Really? Boxers or briefs?

God: Check out the local Nordstrom's for the latest in loincloths. Get a nice set.

Jerry: You got it!

God: And Jeremiah?

Jerry: Yes, God?

God: When you get that new underwear, put it on.

Jerry:  Of course! (Like what else would I do with it? Use it as a slingshot?)

God:  I heard that. 

Jerry takes himself downtown Jerusalem to the local Nordstrom's and finds himself some fine underwear. He thinks God will like it.

Jerry: So what do you think, God? Found some that were just my color.

God: I see that. Put on that underwear.

Jerry does and then models for God.

God: Looking good! One more thing, Jerry.

Jerry: Yes, God?

God: You can wear it, but you can't wash it.

Jerry: What? For how long?

God: I'll let you know.

Jerry: But I got enough for a week's supply!

God: Did you hear me?

Jerry: (Big sigh) Yes, God.

Time goes by. Jeremiah did not record just how much time, but it was clearly a l-o-n-g time. Finally, God comes by again.

God: Jerry! I see you're wearing that new underwear.

Jerry: (twists awkwardly, straightens out the wedgie) Yep. Doesn't feel so new right now.

God: I want you to take that underwear and go bury it down by the river.

Jerry: Are you nuts? By the river? Don't you mean IN the river? As in WASH it?

God: You heard me. Go bury it by the river.

Jerry stomps off to the Jordan where he digs a hole, strips off the loincloth, and throws it in.

God: Cover it up, Jerry.

Jerry does what he's told.

Jerry: There. Satisfied?

God doesn't answer. Jerry goes back to Jerusalem.
More time goes by, even more time than before. Finally, God comes around again.

God: Jerry! Remember that underwear I told you to buy?

Jerry: As if I could forget.

God: Remember I told you not to wash it?

Jerry: I remember.

God: Where is it now?

Jerry: Buried down by the river, just like you told me.

God: Well, I want you to go down to the river and dig up that underwear.

Jerry:  Of course you do.

Jerry leaves Jerusalem, goes down to the river, digs a few holes looking for the underwear he buried there. Finally, he locates it and pulls it out of the hole.

Jerry: Ewwww! Yuck! Gross! Look at this! Holes, sand flies, creepy bugs! This underwear is rotten!

God: I know that.

Jerry: I suppose you want me to put it on now.

God: No. I just want you to look at it. It is a rotten mess, isn't it?

Jerry: Am I supposed to learn something here?

God: Take a good look, Jerry. Israel and Judah were created to be as close to me as a man's underwear is to his body, but they've gone corrupt. Who'd want this stinking rotten mess next to his private parts, I ask you?

Jerry: Wait a minute. Are you saying...

God: I am indeed! If you haven't learned anything by now, you should know, YOU are my underwear!

Jerry: But I thought I was supposed to be your sheep, your beloved, your shining star!

God: I tried all that. You seem to forget so quickly. Maybe this will be easier to remember. Here's what I want you to tell the people in Jerusalem: You are God's underwear!

Jerry: (mumbles)   You are God's underwear.

God: You're mumbling. I can't hear you. Louder please.

Jerry: (louder) You are God's underwear.

God: Not very convincing. MUCH louder please.

Jerry: (over-exaggerating and enunciating) YOU ARE GOD'S UNDERWEAR!

God: That's good, Jerry. I think you've got my point. You are my underwear!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
When people first get to jail or prison, they are issued a basic set of clothing: jumpsuit, t-shirts, socks, and underwear. None of it is new. It's well-washed, but it isn't new. Ever had to wear someone else's underwear? Not the first choice for most of us.

(with thanks to Bill Cosby for his rendition of a conversation between God and Noah)


The Gray Monk said...

Very good analogy! Applicable to our society at present as well ...

Fran said...

Oh Shannon... simply, simply brilliant!

claire said...

Hear, Hear!

Tamara said...

This analogy is great! And... it hit me right between the eyes!

Sherry Peyton said...

Not at all what I expected Shannon. Thank you for a lovely point.

MikeF said...

Oh, superb! (That's always been one of my favourite Weird Prophet Stories...) The sting in the tail is perfect - hits you when you're least expecting it. Brilliant post!