21 November 2011

Boxers or Briefs?

God: Jeremiah, you need some new underwear.

Jerry: Really? Boxers or briefs?

God: Check out the local Nordstrom's for the latest in loincloths. Get a nice set.

Jerry: You got it!

God: And Jeremiah?

Jerry: Yes, God?

God: When you get that new underwear, put it on.

Jerry:  Of course! (Like what else would I do with it? Use it as a slingshot?)

God:  I heard that. 

Jerry takes himself downtown Jerusalem to the local Nordstrom's and finds himself some fine underwear. He thinks God will like it.

Jerry: So what do you think, God? Found some that were just my color.

God: I see that. Put on that underwear.

Jerry does and then models for God.

God: Looking good! One more thing, Jerry.

Jerry: Yes, God?

God: You can wear it, but you can't wash it.

Jerry: What? For how long?

God: I'll let you know.

Jerry: But I got enough for a week's supply!

God: Did you hear me?

Jerry: (Big sigh) Yes, God.

Time goes by. Jeremiah did not record just how much time, but it was clearly a l-o-n-g time. Finally, God comes by again.

God: Jerry! I see you're wearing that new underwear.

Jerry: (twists awkwardly, straightens out the wedgie) Yep. Doesn't feel so new right now.

God: I want you to take that underwear and go bury it down by the river.

Jerry: Are you nuts? By the river? Don't you mean IN the river? As in WASH it?

God: You heard me. Go bury it by the river.

Jerry stomps off to the Jordan where he digs a hole, strips off the loincloth, and throws it in.

God: Cover it up, Jerry.

Jerry does what he's told.

Jerry: There. Satisfied?

God doesn't answer. Jerry goes back to Jerusalem.
More time goes by, even more time than before. Finally, God comes around again.

God: Jerry! Remember that underwear I told you to buy?

Jerry: As if I could forget.

God: Remember I told you not to wash it?

Jerry: I remember.

God: Where is it now?

Jerry: Buried down by the river, just like you told me.

God: Well, I want you to go down to the river and dig up that underwear.

Jerry:  Of course you do.

Jerry leaves Jerusalem, goes down to the river, digs a few holes looking for the underwear he buried there. Finally, he locates it and pulls it out of the hole.

Jerry: Ewwww! Yuck! Gross! Look at this! Holes, sand flies, creepy bugs! This underwear is rotten!

God: I know that.

Jerry: I suppose you want me to put it on now.

God: No. I just want you to look at it. It is a rotten mess, isn't it?

Jerry: Am I supposed to learn something here?

God: Take a good look, Jerry. Israel and Judah were created to be as close to me as a man's underwear is to his body, but they've gone corrupt. Who'd want this stinking rotten mess next to his private parts, I ask you?

Jerry: Wait a minute. Are you saying...

God: I am indeed! If you haven't learned anything by now, you should know, YOU are my underwear!

Jerry: But I thought I was supposed to be your sheep, your beloved, your shining star!

God: I tried all that. You seem to forget so quickly. Maybe this will be easier to remember. Here's what I want you to tell the people in Jerusalem: You are God's underwear!

Jerry: (mumbles)   You are God's underwear.

God: You're mumbling. I can't hear you. Louder please.

Jerry: (louder) You are God's underwear.

God: Not very convincing. MUCH louder please.

Jerry: (over-exaggerating and enunciating) YOU ARE GOD'S UNDERWEAR!

God: That's good, Jerry. I think you've got my point. You are my underwear!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
When people first get to jail or prison, they are issued a basic set of clothing: jumpsuit, t-shirts, socks, and underwear. None of it is new. It's well-washed, but it isn't new. Ever had to wear someone else's underwear? Not the first choice for most of us.

(with thanks to Bill Cosby for his rendition of a conversation between God and Noah)